The Thing About Therapy

Before I hated college, ok fine I was very unhappy from the beginning because I ended up at my fall-back school, I was very excited about learning about, well, everything. I wanted to make sense of the world and the people in it. Naturally I was a Communication & Psychology double-major (before you call me an overachiever know that UM's School of Communication--my main major--requires a second major from the College of Arts & Sciences).

Sixteen psych credits, tears, and a lot of drama (no pun intended) later I changed my second major to Theater.

Don't get me wrong, I still find psychology fascinating, and often contemplate counseling or even psych research as a career, but it seems extremely repetitive to me. Psych 101 was great, you basically learn everything about psychology and all the major theories, and it left me wanting more.

But here's the thing, communication theory is pretty psychological and the same theories I was seeing in my comm classes I was seeing in my psych classes. I mean seriously, how many times am I going to see Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs (& let's not get into the matter about how this little pyramid followed me to marketing too!!)?!

But I loved all the theories (both comm and psych) and doing research, or being forced to be a participant in a research project (yeah they make you); I even enjoyed writing the 15+ page reports (which is very out of character for me). I loved discussing cases, and trying to explain human behavior. I was already an overanalyzer, but after these classes, forget it!

My favorite was Abnormal Psych, that's when we started using the DSM-IV (Diagnostic & Statistics Manual, 4th ed.) and trying to diagnose by using basically a checklist of sypmtoms. Yes, I self-diagnosed, that was the best part! Hahaha :)

My real problem with psych & why I know I'll never convince myself to give it another chance, academically speaking, is that they are all theories, speculations, best-guesses, not ONE single law. Everyone is different, even when they've been diagnosed the same thing. It is not a black & white science. It is completely clouded by noise, human, unavoidable noise. Perception.

Power is equally in the hands of the patient as in the therapist. The patient decides what to share and how to share it (communication is key). The therapist interprets/decodes the message but that process is filtered by experience, knowledge, perceptions, attention, and countless other factors.

I've been a patient of therapy twice in my life. Once as a college student on the verge of dropping out and giving up on everythng; and once as an adult seeking to do some mental health exercises to be a happier person overall (i.e. I had insurance, figured I should try to work on my issues, which I knew were many).

Having been a previous psych student my skepticism about getting positive results was ridiculously high, but both times I did it voluntarily so I decided to try and make the most of it. I really had nothing to lose by opening up to a complete stranger who was legally liable for making sure what was shared in that office stayed there.

Did it work? Are my problems gone? Yes and no. But both times it did provide a motivator, a jump start towards healthy changes. I did graduate from college, and I was happier about certain things.

But, somewhat ironically, the hardest part about therapy was always hearing that I wasn't crazy. That I had a right to feel mad or upset or sad at whatever situation I was discussing. The people I "complained" about were in fact doing things that merited complaining. That really sucked to hear because it meant I was right, and I was stuck, and I was just living an unfair, difficult situation.

So many times I wanted to ask my therapist to go tell so & so that I was right and they weren't. So many times I wanted my doctor to tell someone to stop being an ass. So many times I wanted to get in writing that it really wasn't me, it was them or life.

It was wonderful to talk to someone who understood you and was on your team 100%, but it was horrible knowing that it didn't do anything to change my life.

In hindsight I learned that therapy was great because it opened my eyes and told me basically, "life can really suck sometimes, you just gotta deal with in the least damaging way."

I assure you that I still have a fathomless amount of issues to work on, and I am living one of my most trying times of my life, but I am dealing with it. And although I can't go sit on a couch once a week to talk about it with a total stranger, you are my therapy. Writing to you, not knowing who's reading, but just being honest and open regardless.

My theory? It's gonna work. :)




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Music, A Lifelong Affair

I am not a musician, I cannot make music. But I love it and cannot imagine my life without it. It is simply put, the greatest love of my life.

When I was in elementary school I was in the chorus and recorder group, thanks to the latter I even got to perform at the Superintendent's Music Honors Festival which that year was held at the University of Miami.

My little 11 year old self was in complete awe. I was the only one chosen to play the bass recorder, which was so huge I could hardly play one of the notes because I had to really stretch my pinky. We practiced our ensemble pieces for months and then the week of the show we spent 3 days at UM. Wow. At the moment UM was like a dreamland to me, walking by the fountain, eating at the cafeteria among all the college students, but most impressive was rehearsal in one of the halls. I felt like I was part of a big important orchestra. In those days, I was a musician, taking guidance from a real music conductor.

Our performance went as planned; my whole family came out to support and video tape. I lived in my moment as a little musician.

Coincidentally years later my sister, in high school at that time, also partook in that glorious event. Her instrument: the piano-forte.

Speaking of, I also learned to play the piano, but I never did it consistently. I did go to evaluations and earned my "superior" that was my platinum ticket out of level/year 2, but I never took the next year.

In middle school, 8th grade when I had moved schools following my father's passing, I took up guitar in his honor. We moved halfway through the year so I only learned the basics and didn't even get to chords.

I can still sight-read and play simple pieces on the piano, and maybe even the recorder, but I could never make my own music, and I could never sing.

I listen to music on a daily basis; I attend as many live performances as I can afford; and I always try to see my favorite musicians at least once on stage.

I have been fortunate to have seen many including: Mana, Juanes, Jack Johnson, John Legend, Missy Elliot, Alicia Keys, Shakira, Estelle, Beyonce, Bare Naked Ladies, Reel Big Fish, and more.

But in college I was really into the local scene and my love affair with Latin ska/punk/rock really flourished. Every week I would go see a local band. Thankfully Fábrika existed and listed all the local happenings (they still do at www.fabrikalink.com).

My greatest love story was with LPJ. It was at a battle of the bands at the Hard Rock Cafe in Bayside where I first saw Locos Por Juana, and I fell madly in love. LPJ is an amazing band of such talented musicians; a unique fusion of ska, reggae, salsa, jazz, funk, cumbia.

And the lead singer is so full of energy and dances with such passion that he transfers his feelings to the crowd. And up until recently their bass guitarist, who is a total cutie, also did vocals--he broke it down. His voice and image don't match; he can rap so fast and sound like a real reggae musician, you would've never guessed he was from Venezuela.

I often tease that I'm an LPJ groupie, but really I just truly see them, and all musicians for that matter, as the personification of the music they're playing. And since I do love music so intensely, I tend to speak of the musician with equal passion, but in the end it's all about the music.

Often called the universal language, music really moves people, and I assure you I have been one of them.

Music, I would be so lost withou you.


Here: Me with my niece and friend and members of LPJ :)

If I were to die tonight...

There's a lot of things I'd love to have said to everyone in my life; explain certain things, confess feelings, truly let someone know what they meant in my life. I'm not trying to be emo or morbid (or self-centered), but I often think about death; my death, others' deaths, and the respective reactions. Lately, I've had a bug to make amends, if you will. I kid saying it's a gut feeling that I may die soon; I recently dreamt I had breast cancer and they found it too late (must be all the breast cancer awareness month psa's running), but whatever it is, I figured if there's something I'd like to say to someone, then I should.

Before I start listing people individually, if I really were to die tonight I really want people to know that:

1. If I ever told you I loved you, I meant it. I know I say I love a lot of things/people, but I assure you that I never said it if I didn't mean it.
2. Every single person in my life has made me who I am and I will be eternally grateful for that.
3. I loved my friends, even those I grew distant with, or specifically ended my relationship with them. I loved making friends, hanging out, listening, talking, but most importantly, just being in their lives and vice versa.
4. I always tried finding common ground with someone so we can get along.
5. I was a hippie at heart: passionate about music, peace, and love.
6. I was always a dreamer, loved to live in the moment, rarely thought of/planned for the future.
7. I was a feeler. Tended to make decisions on my feelings (even though my brain always made me second guess myself).
8. My greatest passion was music, it moved me like nothing else could.
9. My life changed after my dad passed away; I could never get over it. Lots of issues stemmed from that.
10. I always tried to be honest, but time would teach me that people can hardly ever handle it.
11. I loved my family with all my heart, even though I always felt I didn't belong and I was their greatest disappointment.
12. I was truly idealistic and optimistic. I believed in humanity.
13. I suffered from the hero complex...I wanted to be the agent of change in someone's life.
14. In my almost 30 years of life I was only in love twice.
15. I absolutely loved helping people; I dreamt about opening my own homeless shelter with Karen, Chez Nous.
16. I loved to eat :) loved ice cream and chips and all junk food.
17. My best experiences were skydiving and participating in a marathon (no I didn't finish it).
18. I would have loved to travel the world with my cannon baby by my side.
19. FYI I was deeply mortified of choking hence I never learned to swim, swallow pills, and was somewhat claustorphobic (sp). <--- & yes I self-corrected my grammar mistakes
20. I don't want people to dress in all black at my funeral, instead wear something you love and work it!! Celebrate my life don't get all emo, and burn my body and spread my ashes over a California mountain.
21. I never really knew what I wanted to do in life, but I knew I wanted to be happy.
22. Everything I have written here is true; and everything I write to the individuals below is heartfelt and genuine.


This is going to get long, so scroll down or stop reading lol


In no particular order (except family then friends & others):

My mom: mami, la adoro. se que hemos peliado mucho, pero eso no importa ni hace que la queria menos. Cuando la pierda (si es que se va usted primero) no voy a saber como soportar el dolor y el vacio que me dejar en mi vida. El unico consuelo sera saber que al fin usted este en paz y de nuevo con mi papi.

Jackie: boo boo, you meant the world to me. You saved me when I stopped caring to live. You always wanted to see me happy, I'm sorry I disappointed you so much. It was hard to live in your shadow. You are an amazingly talented writer, and when the time is right, you'll know what you need to do in life. You will be a great mother, and if I die tonight, I will miss meeting them more than anything else. Be happy. I love you more than anyone else, and I know you know that. You were a great big sis.

Marbely: nanita, yo se que no fui lo que vos hubieras escogido para mi, pero asi es, no lo tomes al mal. Vos hiciste mas de lo que se le puede pedir a una persona. Dejaste de vivir tu vida para salvernos a mi y a la jackie. Gracias por ser una increible hermana/mama. You know que somos tus kids, and you did a great job. Sos una persona que entrega todo su corazon, cuidalo, y se feliz. I love you nanita, y me hiciste muy orgullosa por todo lo que lograstes hacer en tu vida.

Elvis: you're crazy brother, and that's why I liked you so much. We were very alike, and I loved talking to you about all your new plans. ET, you're great at whatever you do. You really were the king, the doctor. I was always impressed by you. I loved how you treated my mom and meant the world to her (argolla!!! Jajaja), but don't be afraid to be emotional. It's ok to cry and relax. And it's never too late to reclaim your family.

John & Max: hermanitos loquitos, gracias por todo el apoyo y el amor que nos dieron a mi y a la Jackie. Gracias por siempre alagarnos y decirnos que heramos su orgullo. Johnny sos super inteligente y vivo y siempre admire tu valentia en esta vida. Maxxy, siempre fuiste tan carinoso, espero que seas feliz con tu nueva familia.

Medea: I loved your crazy party animal spirit. You always made me smile or laugh and helped me be less shy.

Karencita: my little Karen, I loved you so much. I always wished you could've been my little sis (then maybe you'd be less of a SB!! J/k). Thank you for all the laughs, pees (you know we both did, several times in our pants!), uncontrollable laugh attacks--rocking back & forth, wheezing, and even the silent ones, the crazy adventures (bg say what?!!), for going out even when you didn't want to, for listening to all my drama, for encouraging and joining me in my groupie ways (love you LPJ), for being gay and loving Miley, Taylor, and the other Disney celebs, for letting me stay at your house, for being my gym buddy (shout out to Richard, the best fitness teacher ever!!!), and for finally getting your own iPhone ;) please take pics so you always remember what you did lol but, Karen, seriously, do what you have to do to be happy, you know what I'm talking about. Oh and tx for bringing Lewis black into my life. I love you, you SB, DD, and F*ing bestia!!

Enna: thank goodness you came back in my life!!! I love you, you are the best, you are so caring and generous, and smart, and every other nice thing I can think of. Thank you for having my back, thank you for going along with my nonsensical shenanigans, thank you for forgiving me. Thank you, thank you, thank you! And thank santi for being the sweetest boy I've ever met. I'm sorry I missed your wedding with your fabulous red dress. I hope you two grow to be the cutest old couple ever!! Dr. Taylor, aka Enna Cristina ;) thank you for everything

Don Freddy: gracias por ayudarnos a todos y siempre. Especialmente gracias por ser un buen amigo para mi papi y despues para mi mami y toda la familia.

Ernie: you da bomb boy! Ty for always making me laugh. I learned a lot about you from when I stayed at your house, I meant what I told you. You're a great person, you have a lot of admirable qualities (like being ridiculously generous), and you're doing good with your mini-me. You're a smart kid, don't ever let anyone make you think otherwise. You deserve to be happy, now go get 'em boy!!

Mario: whattup cuh?! Otro que supo hacerme reir...keep it tight, keep it tight!!! Funny shit. Well Mario, if there's one thing I can say about you is that you always put Jas first, and you make crazy efforts to be there with/for her. She's a very lucky little girl. Take good care of her, but remember you can only do that well if you take of yourself first. I wish you the best and hope you find a girl (could be Jamie) to settle and start a family with.

Junior: listen to your dad!!! Stop trying to be school and mean. You're a super cute, smart little boy, use it to your advantage. I love you, little man.

Jas: you're such a smart little girl, I know you're gonna be at the top of your class one day. Focus on your school work and being healthy and you'll see how everything will work out. And keep singing with Tia Karen!!

Pulgita Maria Jose: I loved you nene, like if you were my real daughter. I'm sorry I neglected you when my life started to rip at the seams.

Yasin: I am so grateful you came into our lives. Thank you for being you and for loving my sister and for letting us be a part of your family. Stop stressing about the LSAT, you're fine. Take care of my yackie and be the good dad to those unborn children of yours. Tell me I was gonna be their cool aunt, and tell them how we went to school & work together & I always made fun of your lame jokes!!! (I know, I know---audience!!!) thanks for all the good times, and being a great listener.

Lulu: my dearest lu, I admire your intense self. You own up to your feelings and opinions and are not the least bit afraid to do so. Though I often wholeheartedly disagree with you, I LOVE that you stay true to yourself. That's why we're equal opposites, and nothing could keep us from being in each other's lives, not even a 9 year break ;) I love you, lulu, thank you for being a caring friend and loving me as much as you did, I assure you it was mutual. Jon, take care of our girl (remember, she's right!!).

Maria Ruiz: damn, girl, we go way back don't we? I can't even clearly write how thankful I am to have had you as my friend, my Hialeah homegirl, my superpower woman-photog, my sister from another mister! Mari, I have a lot of friends I'm close to, but no one quite knows or gets me like you. I swear, we were meant to be sisters. I love you, go be your amazing self and be happy!

Elvira: you are one of the most honest people (when you're not compulsively lying that is lol) I've ever met. Thank you for being so honest with me; you made me a better person. And heck, we sure knew how to have a good time didn't we?! Shake it!!! (while pointing at it!! Lmao)

Alessandro: I'm sorry I stopped being your friend, and I'm Sooo thankful you agreed to let that one go and let me back in your life. You are hilarious, I love being around you. You're also one of the sweetest people I've ever met. Thank you for making one of my closest friends a very happy, and lucky, girl. Thank you for all the good times, and you're welcome for Eddie izzard ;)

Francisco Alejandro Rivas-Vazquez: ::sigh:: I love you!! You have no idea how you changed my life for good. You turned me onto the best music ever, you unleashed my inner groupie, you made me more spic, and you made my UM days worthwhile. I loved talking to you and having our own crazy "the office"-like moments (e.g. old-age makeup, wearing anita's hat, letting me do your hair, beating you @ bejeweled, teaching me chess on a paper-made board and paper pieces, trying to learn sign language, etc). You were the best pseudo-friend EVER!!!! jajajajaja :) seriously, thank you for everything. I missed not being so close to you, but I cherish our memories :)

Lilo: Lidia, like I told you before, I'm very happy you came back in my life. You are so sweet and caring, and such a crackhead, it was easy to become good friends again!! Lol go get your bsn and do your thing, woman! Tell your girls they're very lucky to have you for a mommy.

Fritz F: don't ever be evil again, you make a great nice guy and the world is short on those. Y por favor, no tomes mi ejemplo and stop procrastinating and maximize your potential, you know you've got a lot going for you! Oh and after I die you can claim the world ;)

Becca Rossman: Becca, Becca!! I loved you so much. I can never express how grateful I was for your friendship back in our UM days. You were the friend you always see in movies. Tx for making me feel at home both at your parents' house and at the cloisters as the unofficial third roommate. We had a really good time, I think you are an amazing person, with a huge heart, and I wish you the best. I'm sorry we grew distant (literally), but you were always close in my heart. "line, line, line....it's Neighborhood Earth!!! Lol good times :)

Claudia Selgas: I'm sorry we didn't stay friends forever, I wish it could've been possible. Thank you for always encouraging me to "live the life I had imagined."

Anabel M.: lil bit, I love you!! It took a while to make you let down your guard, but I'm glad you did cuz you turned out to be one of my close friends and great fellow concert whore. Thank you for Mr Keys and all the other great music you gave me. Thanks for all the laughs, and all the repetitions ;) good moooorning ;)

Shomari: I AM really sorry, about all of it, but mostly if I hurt your feelings. Regardless of everything said I really missed hanging out and even your crazy questions. You were a lot of fun to be with.

Javier Antonio Blanco: chavalo jodido adonde estas?!! Omg javi, I love you!!! And I've missed you in my life, I almost feel like I shouldve gone to law school with you, we did make a killer team in school didn't we? Javi, seriously you're one of the smartest people I know, and the funniest. The girl that gets you is one very lucky lady. Thank you for all the laughs and for being that extra push I needed to get my work done ;) I wish you the best.

Dr. Donna Dearman: thank you for being an inspiration. Thank you for genuinely caring about your students, much beyond the classroom walls. Thanks for all the advice, I am wise to pass it on to my own students. Thank you, for everything.

Mr. Jose piedra: Monsieur, c'est vrait que vous etes le magnifique!! Seriously, Monsieur you are one of the best teachers I have ever had. Thank you for being so amazing and dedicated and caring, and so great at what you do. I always tell people about you, and I'm glad Springs was smart enough to keep you around, you are treasure at that school.

Professor John Masterson: wow. You're amazing. Best professor at UM by far. Thank you for all the knowledge and insights. Thank you for being different. Thank you for caring. Thank you for changing my life.

Lelen & Carlebach: thank you for your passion for photography, and for encouraging me to follow mine. Lelen, thank you especially for making me feel amazing when you asked to copy some of my images. That meant the world to me.

Francisco Jimenez: thank you for letting me work at your school, it was the most rewarding experience of my life.

Amy Robaina: thank you for all your help at Doral, but most importantly for your friendship.

To all my former students: you meant the world to me, I literally gave up my life to be involved in yours and support you in whatever you needed. Your success and happiness will be my happiness. Thank you for letting me into your lives and try to change them with a little hope, fun, and some good reads :)

Luzardo brothers: I loved you both very much, my little monkeys. You are part of my most memorable moments in life (skydiving, indoor rock climbing, 1st time seeing Stomp, etc). I really wish I could've adopted you ;) or helped you out more. You're both so smart, please use what you've got to make the most out of life and be happy.

Joshy poshy: my little dj, I love you. So honest and always true to yourself, I hope you get to live out your dream. And find a nice girl to share it with. Thanks for all the good times and good food (one burger anyone?).

Piera: my unofficial little sister. Vous savez que je t'aime. You are super smart, talented, sweet, just awesome in general. Thank you for having been in my life, and for all your help when I was your teacher.

Armando Vazquez: stop being emo!!! ;) ok, you know I love you, I'm sorry we never made our short. You know I believe in you 100%, and you're always making me proud and impressing me. Keep up our blog, and smile (you've got those cute little dimples), you're gonna be whatever you want to be (seriously, I'm not just saying that!).

Brandon Agosto: my little ska & theater buddy! Aww Brandon, you rock, I really hope you get into Columbia or NYU, I know you'll love it. Thank you for always caring and keeping me in your life way past our DA days.

Uriel Eduardo: ay mi amor, ya sabes cuanto te quise. You're too nice and giving. Por favor deja de fumar y beber tanto. And if I do die tonight I'm sorry I didn't make it to your fabulous 21and keep my getting crazy promise. But hey, we did get tipsy that one time off of blue islands ;) Ty for being my model, my friend, my bftgsahlw !! I love you like I loved my baby daddy John legend (b4 I got mad at him lol)!!


To everyone else I didn't get to address individually (Maria Margarita C, Yendi, Erik M, Martin S, Neka D, Zoila R, Becky R, Claudia M, Eric Lefebvre, Gariot L, Danny R, Gus M, other former schoolmates, the Alfaro family,Chilo & odrin, Toto, Ardis G, Katy M, Jen W, Daisy C, Bugsy, Elana, the rest of my drama students, celebs that have changed my life, former co workers and supervisors, & everone in between):

Thank you for being in my life, like I said earlier, my experiences with you is what made me who I am.

If I die tonight, know that I cared that you were in my life.

Good night all.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Dear Mr. Cohen:

For many years, 14+ but who's counting, I have singled you out for being the root of my demise as a mathemical genius [to be]. Although I really don't like holding hateful feelings towards anyone, and truly make an effort to not hold grudges, I have truly hated you. I have wished you harm. You stand alone as the only person I have ever felt so strongly about; whenever I ran into you post school, I would literally get sick to my stomach and want to throw it all up in your face. I never thought that would change.

But today, for the first time since I admitted to myself that I absolutely despised you as a human being, I was able to step back and realize, well, that I'm crazy. I still think you were unfair and inconsiderate and should've been more careful with your choice of words, but I don't hate you. And I can't possibly blame you for my messy exit from my nerdy dreams to become an established mathematician.

It's not your fault I'll never be the next Pythagoras. It's not your fault I haven't been written about in modern day math books. It's not your fault if I never win a Nobel prize.

It is mostly your fault that I didn't do well in Pre-Calculus and consequently in Calculus, but it is also my fault.

I may have had the potential, you certainly presented yourself as a challenge on my journey, but I never kept up my end. I was irresponsible and lazy, highly unmotivated, and unhealthily sensitive to criticism.

I crushed my own dreams, I now realize, because of my inability to cope with failure and my unrealistic expectations of myself.

So, Mr. Larry Cohen, I offer you a sincere apology and thank you for not letting me get away with things like everyone else did.

And if I may offer some advice, you do need to work on your communication and people skills, especially if you continue to teach, because you are dealing with hopes and aspirations and you hold the power in the classroom. Don't play favorites, don't give 3 question tests, and don't humiliate a student in front of his peers.

Thanks,

Verna (the only other sophomore in your pre-cal class whom you automatically assumed did not belong in your class and which you made that clear to on day 1, literally)




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Unconditional Love: Just a Myth?

Trick question, if you ask me.

I've been thinking about this topic for a while, and it's really hard to give a satisfying answer.

Hear me out...

I firmly believe that unconditional love is possible and does in fact exist.  I believe I have been loved unconditionally, I believe I have/do love others unconditionally...that is if you buy my definition of love.

Family love...I think most people would agree that unconditional love is what binds even the most dysfunctional families.  You tend to get over everything when you're family.  Somehow you find a way to move past the grudge, the frustration, the anger, and you forgive and you support and you love your family (yes, there are exceptions, but they are few and far between, so let's just skip them this time).  I know that my mom will love me no matter what.  I know that my siblings will help me whenever I need them.  I know my family will accept me regardless of how much I rebel against them, it may take a while, but they always come around.  And I absolutely love them for it.  I will always love them, and I know that they know that.

Friendship love...Unfortunately (although sometimes very fortunately), with most friends we definitely apply conditional love, because unlike family, we can cut our ties to our friends.  But every now and then, if we're lucky, we'll meet a couple of very special people that for some reason or other, you just want them around all the time and you're willing to make the choice to take a risk and afford them the benefits of family: unconditional love.  I'm very happy to say I've been blessed with some cool peeps that I most definitely want in my life forever.

Romantic love....Ugh, this is [arguably] the trickiest.  Depending on our mate-finding ways, it is most likely that we actually don't develop a real, close relationship that even allows us to foster feelings like unconditional love with people we date, for some that even extends to people they marry.  My theory?  1- Statistically it is most likely that you're gonna have to date quite a bit before you find someone you want to marry.  So every time you date someone, you probably [unconsciously] think this isn't going to be the last person you date, which in turn makes you double think the emotional investment.  2- Most romantic relationships begin as a result of a physical attraction.  That usually translates into a lot of time spent on lust and "being on your best behavior" trying to create a good impression. 3- Statistically you are very likely to get a divorce, again sending messages that lead to a natural albeit unconscious resistance to trusting others' intentions and feelings, making it increasingly difficult to develop unconditional love.  But I do think that if you date someone because you're genuinely interested in starting a new life with them (and understand and accept commitment) then it is possible to love unconditionally.  It takes a leap of faith, but it can be the most rewarding.

So where is the conundrum?

Well here it goes...Love is a feeling, not an action (of course I realize how futile it is if it isn't manifested into actions, but bear with me here...).  I have met a few people, who I will truly love always, unconditionally.  No matter what they do or say, I will still want to help them; I will still want the best for them; I will still value their opinions; I will still want them in my life.  But sometimes I recognize that as much as I'd want to be involved in their lives, it is not a good idea, and I walk away.  But my feelings don't go away, so I cut the relationship, but not the feelings.  Does that still count as unconditional love?

I honestly just don't know! I'd like to think so, but I can't lie and admit it may be a stretch.  What do you think?

Love Transcends All

As most people know, my dad died when I was 12, leaving a huge void in my life.  My memories are few, especially because for the last years of his life he worked the graveyard shift and slept during the day.  So of course pictures, holidays, and other special moments that I got to share with him are priceless.

Not that long ago I realized that in reality I didn't really know my dad.  My memories are fragments of a short life.  That said, I have tried to get to know who was Verman Taylor; or more specifically who was he to those he kept close to his heart.

My older siblings have sad stories to share since it was during their adolescence that my dad struggled with alcoholism, so their memories are also fragments.


I tried speaking with my uncle who was closest to my dad...not much luck there seeing that he prefaced our conversation saying that his "memory was failing [him]".

I've attempted to talk to my dad's best friend and very close friend of our family, but he is a man of few words, so I couldn't get anything really substantial out of him.

My last resort was my mom, the woman who stayed by his side throughout the good, the bad, and the hideously ugly times...a period of over 30 years.  I never wanted to ask her anything because she's known to have false/exaggerated memories, plus I figured she would be the most biased.  I guess if I were to be completely honest, I also avoided the topic with her because well I remember my parents always fighting and bickering to the point that I had already planned for the day they would announce a divorce and I would pick my dad to go live with.

But the news of my dad's death caused a lifelong chain of damaging effects on my mom.  In fact, that very same day we were given the bad news my mom got so sick we had to call the rescue on her.  They found her blood pressure was through the roof, but she refused to go the hospital.  Since then she's suffered chronic depression, type 2 diabetes that has advanced so much now that it has deeply affected her kidneys, blood pressure, circulation, and so much more.  She takes about 20 pills a day in addition to insulin shots twice a day, and is 
almost guaranteed a hospital stay 1-2 times year.  She's had congestive heart failure, borderline dialysis patient, and her sugar levels have dropped to the point of causing a delirious episode.  And please don't remind her of her wheelchair, she loathes it more than any of her other ailments.

So with all that baggage you can imagine my hesitation to talk about my dad with her.  We hardly speak of him at all, except of course when she uses the dad card to guilt-trip me into not doing something she disapproves of ("if your dad was alive, what do you think he'd think of you coming home at 3 am....he'd be so disappointed"....blah blah blah).

But this past Sunday, for a very brief moment, she let me in to her wealth of memories of life with Verman.  She was transported to another time, triggered by a song (by Camilo Sesto), and with a knot in her throat she shared:

"Me acorde de cuando Verman y yo cantabamos juntos. Esa era una de las canciones que me cantaba....'El amor de mi vida ha sido tu...El amor de mi vida sigue siendo tu'..."

And that small, short memory she shared has had an indelible impact on me.

I have often, or all my life, criticized my mom for choosing to live the life she did, putting up with a pretty horrible husband (I love my dad, but I wouldn't have put up with all of his crap like my mom did).  And I feel horrible admitting it, but I have even questioned how real the extent of her pain was at losing him,but please don't misunderstand.  Of  course I knew it would be devastating for her, but my mom wasn't just negatively affected by his passing, she basically stopped living, and I didn't understand it.

But Sunday she made it crystal clear.

My dad was truly "El amor de [su] vida" y cuando se fue la dejo sin amor, y quien quiere una vida sin amor?

I know exactly who my dad was.  He was the absolute best dad I could've had, he was the world to me, but he was more than that.  He was the heart and soul of my mom's life, and now I realize that he's also the bond between us.  I may always be at odds with my mom, but I love her, just as much as my dad did, and I am so happy my parents knew what they meant to each other and stayed together till death did them part.

>>>

Me, my mom, dad, and sis after one of our "music" sessions where my dad would play his guitar and/or harmonica and/or piano; my mom would sing; and me and my sis would dress up like rock stars (don't judge, it was the 80s and we didn't have that many clothes!) and either dance or sing along with my mom.  A favorite? La Cumparsita to which me and Jackie would bust out in our comical tango moves!  =) 

best memories ever.