The Thing About Therapy

Before I hated college, ok fine I was very unhappy from the beginning because I ended up at my fall-back school, I was very excited about learning about, well, everything. I wanted to make sense of the world and the people in it. Naturally I was a Communication & Psychology double-major (before you call me an overachiever know that UM's School of Communication--my main major--requires a second major from the College of Arts & Sciences).

Sixteen psych credits, tears, and a lot of drama (no pun intended) later I changed my second major to Theater.

Don't get me wrong, I still find psychology fascinating, and often contemplate counseling or even psych research as a career, but it seems extremely repetitive to me. Psych 101 was great, you basically learn everything about psychology and all the major theories, and it left me wanting more.

But here's the thing, communication theory is pretty psychological and the same theories I was seeing in my comm classes I was seeing in my psych classes. I mean seriously, how many times am I going to see Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs (& let's not get into the matter about how this little pyramid followed me to marketing too!!)?!

But I loved all the theories (both comm and psych) and doing research, or being forced to be a participant in a research project (yeah they make you); I even enjoyed writing the 15+ page reports (which is very out of character for me). I loved discussing cases, and trying to explain human behavior. I was already an overanalyzer, but after these classes, forget it!

My favorite was Abnormal Psych, that's when we started using the DSM-IV (Diagnostic & Statistics Manual, 4th ed.) and trying to diagnose by using basically a checklist of sypmtoms. Yes, I self-diagnosed, that was the best part! Hahaha :)

My real problem with psych & why I know I'll never convince myself to give it another chance, academically speaking, is that they are all theories, speculations, best-guesses, not ONE single law. Everyone is different, even when they've been diagnosed the same thing. It is not a black & white science. It is completely clouded by noise, human, unavoidable noise. Perception.

Power is equally in the hands of the patient as in the therapist. The patient decides what to share and how to share it (communication is key). The therapist interprets/decodes the message but that process is filtered by experience, knowledge, perceptions, attention, and countless other factors.

I've been a patient of therapy twice in my life. Once as a college student on the verge of dropping out and giving up on everythng; and once as an adult seeking to do some mental health exercises to be a happier person overall (i.e. I had insurance, figured I should try to work on my issues, which I knew were many).

Having been a previous psych student my skepticism about getting positive results was ridiculously high, but both times I did it voluntarily so I decided to try and make the most of it. I really had nothing to lose by opening up to a complete stranger who was legally liable for making sure what was shared in that office stayed there.

Did it work? Are my problems gone? Yes and no. But both times it did provide a motivator, a jump start towards healthy changes. I did graduate from college, and I was happier about certain things.

But, somewhat ironically, the hardest part about therapy was always hearing that I wasn't crazy. That I had a right to feel mad or upset or sad at whatever situation I was discussing. The people I "complained" about were in fact doing things that merited complaining. That really sucked to hear because it meant I was right, and I was stuck, and I was just living an unfair, difficult situation.

So many times I wanted to ask my therapist to go tell so & so that I was right and they weren't. So many times I wanted my doctor to tell someone to stop being an ass. So many times I wanted to get in writing that it really wasn't me, it was them or life.

It was wonderful to talk to someone who understood you and was on your team 100%, but it was horrible knowing that it didn't do anything to change my life.

In hindsight I learned that therapy was great because it opened my eyes and told me basically, "life can really suck sometimes, you just gotta deal with in the least damaging way."

I assure you that I still have a fathomless amount of issues to work on, and I am living one of my most trying times of my life, but I am dealing with it. And although I can't go sit on a couch once a week to talk about it with a total stranger, you are my therapy. Writing to you, not knowing who's reading, but just being honest and open regardless.

My theory? It's gonna work. :)




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