If I were to die tonight...

There's a lot of things I'd love to have said to everyone in my life; explain certain things, confess feelings, truly let someone know what they meant in my life. I'm not trying to be emo or morbid (or self-centered), but I often think about death; my death, others' deaths, and the respective reactions. Lately, I've had a bug to make amends, if you will. I kid saying it's a gut feeling that I may die soon; I recently dreamt I had breast cancer and they found it too late (must be all the breast cancer awareness month psa's running), but whatever it is, I figured if there's something I'd like to say to someone, then I should.

Before I start listing people individually, if I really were to die tonight I really want people to know that:

1. If I ever told you I loved you, I meant it. I know I say I love a lot of things/people, but I assure you that I never said it if I didn't mean it.
2. Every single person in my life has made me who I am and I will be eternally grateful for that.
3. I loved my friends, even those I grew distant with, or specifically ended my relationship with them. I loved making friends, hanging out, listening, talking, but most importantly, just being in their lives and vice versa.
4. I always tried finding common ground with someone so we can get along.
5. I was a hippie at heart: passionate about music, peace, and love.
6. I was always a dreamer, loved to live in the moment, rarely thought of/planned for the future.
7. I was a feeler. Tended to make decisions on my feelings (even though my brain always made me second guess myself).
8. My greatest passion was music, it moved me like nothing else could.
9. My life changed after my dad passed away; I could never get over it. Lots of issues stemmed from that.
10. I always tried to be honest, but time would teach me that people can hardly ever handle it.
11. I loved my family with all my heart, even though I always felt I didn't belong and I was their greatest disappointment.
12. I was truly idealistic and optimistic. I believed in humanity.
13. I suffered from the hero complex...I wanted to be the agent of change in someone's life.
14. In my almost 30 years of life I was only in love twice.
15. I absolutely loved helping people; I dreamt about opening my own homeless shelter with Karen, Chez Nous.
16. I loved to eat :) loved ice cream and chips and all junk food.
17. My best experiences were skydiving and participating in a marathon (no I didn't finish it).
18. I would have loved to travel the world with my cannon baby by my side.
19. FYI I was deeply mortified of choking hence I never learned to swim, swallow pills, and was somewhat claustorphobic (sp). <--- & yes I self-corrected my grammar mistakes
20. I don't want people to dress in all black at my funeral, instead wear something you love and work it!! Celebrate my life don't get all emo, and burn my body and spread my ashes over a California mountain.
21. I never really knew what I wanted to do in life, but I knew I wanted to be happy.
22. Everything I have written here is true; and everything I write to the individuals below is heartfelt and genuine.


This is going to get long, so scroll down or stop reading lol


In no particular order (except family then friends & others):

My mom: mami, la adoro. se que hemos peliado mucho, pero eso no importa ni hace que la queria menos. Cuando la pierda (si es que se va usted primero) no voy a saber como soportar el dolor y el vacio que me dejar en mi vida. El unico consuelo sera saber que al fin usted este en paz y de nuevo con mi papi.

Jackie: boo boo, you meant the world to me. You saved me when I stopped caring to live. You always wanted to see me happy, I'm sorry I disappointed you so much. It was hard to live in your shadow. You are an amazingly talented writer, and when the time is right, you'll know what you need to do in life. You will be a great mother, and if I die tonight, I will miss meeting them more than anything else. Be happy. I love you more than anyone else, and I know you know that. You were a great big sis.

Marbely: nanita, yo se que no fui lo que vos hubieras escogido para mi, pero asi es, no lo tomes al mal. Vos hiciste mas de lo que se le puede pedir a una persona. Dejaste de vivir tu vida para salvernos a mi y a la jackie. Gracias por ser una increible hermana/mama. You know que somos tus kids, and you did a great job. Sos una persona que entrega todo su corazon, cuidalo, y se feliz. I love you nanita, y me hiciste muy orgullosa por todo lo que lograstes hacer en tu vida.

Elvis: you're crazy brother, and that's why I liked you so much. We were very alike, and I loved talking to you about all your new plans. ET, you're great at whatever you do. You really were the king, the doctor. I was always impressed by you. I loved how you treated my mom and meant the world to her (argolla!!! Jajaja), but don't be afraid to be emotional. It's ok to cry and relax. And it's never too late to reclaim your family.

John & Max: hermanitos loquitos, gracias por todo el apoyo y el amor que nos dieron a mi y a la Jackie. Gracias por siempre alagarnos y decirnos que heramos su orgullo. Johnny sos super inteligente y vivo y siempre admire tu valentia en esta vida. Maxxy, siempre fuiste tan carinoso, espero que seas feliz con tu nueva familia.

Medea: I loved your crazy party animal spirit. You always made me smile or laugh and helped me be less shy.

Karencita: my little Karen, I loved you so much. I always wished you could've been my little sis (then maybe you'd be less of a SB!! J/k). Thank you for all the laughs, pees (you know we both did, several times in our pants!), uncontrollable laugh attacks--rocking back & forth, wheezing, and even the silent ones, the crazy adventures (bg say what?!!), for going out even when you didn't want to, for listening to all my drama, for encouraging and joining me in my groupie ways (love you LPJ), for being gay and loving Miley, Taylor, and the other Disney celebs, for letting me stay at your house, for being my gym buddy (shout out to Richard, the best fitness teacher ever!!!), and for finally getting your own iPhone ;) please take pics so you always remember what you did lol but, Karen, seriously, do what you have to do to be happy, you know what I'm talking about. Oh and tx for bringing Lewis black into my life. I love you, you SB, DD, and F*ing bestia!!

Enna: thank goodness you came back in my life!!! I love you, you are the best, you are so caring and generous, and smart, and every other nice thing I can think of. Thank you for having my back, thank you for going along with my nonsensical shenanigans, thank you for forgiving me. Thank you, thank you, thank you! And thank santi for being the sweetest boy I've ever met. I'm sorry I missed your wedding with your fabulous red dress. I hope you two grow to be the cutest old couple ever!! Dr. Taylor, aka Enna Cristina ;) thank you for everything

Don Freddy: gracias por ayudarnos a todos y siempre. Especialmente gracias por ser un buen amigo para mi papi y despues para mi mami y toda la familia.

Ernie: you da bomb boy! Ty for always making me laugh. I learned a lot about you from when I stayed at your house, I meant what I told you. You're a great person, you have a lot of admirable qualities (like being ridiculously generous), and you're doing good with your mini-me. You're a smart kid, don't ever let anyone make you think otherwise. You deserve to be happy, now go get 'em boy!!

Mario: whattup cuh?! Otro que supo hacerme reir...keep it tight, keep it tight!!! Funny shit. Well Mario, if there's one thing I can say about you is that you always put Jas first, and you make crazy efforts to be there with/for her. She's a very lucky little girl. Take good care of her, but remember you can only do that well if you take of yourself first. I wish you the best and hope you find a girl (could be Jamie) to settle and start a family with.

Junior: listen to your dad!!! Stop trying to be school and mean. You're a super cute, smart little boy, use it to your advantage. I love you, little man.

Jas: you're such a smart little girl, I know you're gonna be at the top of your class one day. Focus on your school work and being healthy and you'll see how everything will work out. And keep singing with Tia Karen!!

Pulgita Maria Jose: I loved you nene, like if you were my real daughter. I'm sorry I neglected you when my life started to rip at the seams.

Yasin: I am so grateful you came into our lives. Thank you for being you and for loving my sister and for letting us be a part of your family. Stop stressing about the LSAT, you're fine. Take care of my yackie and be the good dad to those unborn children of yours. Tell me I was gonna be their cool aunt, and tell them how we went to school & work together & I always made fun of your lame jokes!!! (I know, I know---audience!!!) thanks for all the good times, and being a great listener.

Lulu: my dearest lu, I admire your intense self. You own up to your feelings and opinions and are not the least bit afraid to do so. Though I often wholeheartedly disagree with you, I LOVE that you stay true to yourself. That's why we're equal opposites, and nothing could keep us from being in each other's lives, not even a 9 year break ;) I love you, lulu, thank you for being a caring friend and loving me as much as you did, I assure you it was mutual. Jon, take care of our girl (remember, she's right!!).

Maria Ruiz: damn, girl, we go way back don't we? I can't even clearly write how thankful I am to have had you as my friend, my Hialeah homegirl, my superpower woman-photog, my sister from another mister! Mari, I have a lot of friends I'm close to, but no one quite knows or gets me like you. I swear, we were meant to be sisters. I love you, go be your amazing self and be happy!

Elvira: you are one of the most honest people (when you're not compulsively lying that is lol) I've ever met. Thank you for being so honest with me; you made me a better person. And heck, we sure knew how to have a good time didn't we?! Shake it!!! (while pointing at it!! Lmao)

Alessandro: I'm sorry I stopped being your friend, and I'm Sooo thankful you agreed to let that one go and let me back in your life. You are hilarious, I love being around you. You're also one of the sweetest people I've ever met. Thank you for making one of my closest friends a very happy, and lucky, girl. Thank you for all the good times, and you're welcome for Eddie izzard ;)

Francisco Alejandro Rivas-Vazquez: ::sigh:: I love you!! You have no idea how you changed my life for good. You turned me onto the best music ever, you unleashed my inner groupie, you made me more spic, and you made my UM days worthwhile. I loved talking to you and having our own crazy "the office"-like moments (e.g. old-age makeup, wearing anita's hat, letting me do your hair, beating you @ bejeweled, teaching me chess on a paper-made board and paper pieces, trying to learn sign language, etc). You were the best pseudo-friend EVER!!!! jajajajaja :) seriously, thank you for everything. I missed not being so close to you, but I cherish our memories :)

Lilo: Lidia, like I told you before, I'm very happy you came back in my life. You are so sweet and caring, and such a crackhead, it was easy to become good friends again!! Lol go get your bsn and do your thing, woman! Tell your girls they're very lucky to have you for a mommy.

Fritz F: don't ever be evil again, you make a great nice guy and the world is short on those. Y por favor, no tomes mi ejemplo and stop procrastinating and maximize your potential, you know you've got a lot going for you! Oh and after I die you can claim the world ;)

Becca Rossman: Becca, Becca!! I loved you so much. I can never express how grateful I was for your friendship back in our UM days. You were the friend you always see in movies. Tx for making me feel at home both at your parents' house and at the cloisters as the unofficial third roommate. We had a really good time, I think you are an amazing person, with a huge heart, and I wish you the best. I'm sorry we grew distant (literally), but you were always close in my heart. "line, line, line....it's Neighborhood Earth!!! Lol good times :)

Claudia Selgas: I'm sorry we didn't stay friends forever, I wish it could've been possible. Thank you for always encouraging me to "live the life I had imagined."

Anabel M.: lil bit, I love you!! It took a while to make you let down your guard, but I'm glad you did cuz you turned out to be one of my close friends and great fellow concert whore. Thank you for Mr Keys and all the other great music you gave me. Thanks for all the laughs, and all the repetitions ;) good moooorning ;)

Shomari: I AM really sorry, about all of it, but mostly if I hurt your feelings. Regardless of everything said I really missed hanging out and even your crazy questions. You were a lot of fun to be with.

Javier Antonio Blanco: chavalo jodido adonde estas?!! Omg javi, I love you!!! And I've missed you in my life, I almost feel like I shouldve gone to law school with you, we did make a killer team in school didn't we? Javi, seriously you're one of the smartest people I know, and the funniest. The girl that gets you is one very lucky lady. Thank you for all the laughs and for being that extra push I needed to get my work done ;) I wish you the best.

Dr. Donna Dearman: thank you for being an inspiration. Thank you for genuinely caring about your students, much beyond the classroom walls. Thanks for all the advice, I am wise to pass it on to my own students. Thank you, for everything.

Mr. Jose piedra: Monsieur, c'est vrait que vous etes le magnifique!! Seriously, Monsieur you are one of the best teachers I have ever had. Thank you for being so amazing and dedicated and caring, and so great at what you do. I always tell people about you, and I'm glad Springs was smart enough to keep you around, you are treasure at that school.

Professor John Masterson: wow. You're amazing. Best professor at UM by far. Thank you for all the knowledge and insights. Thank you for being different. Thank you for caring. Thank you for changing my life.

Lelen & Carlebach: thank you for your passion for photography, and for encouraging me to follow mine. Lelen, thank you especially for making me feel amazing when you asked to copy some of my images. That meant the world to me.

Francisco Jimenez: thank you for letting me work at your school, it was the most rewarding experience of my life.

Amy Robaina: thank you for all your help at Doral, but most importantly for your friendship.

To all my former students: you meant the world to me, I literally gave up my life to be involved in yours and support you in whatever you needed. Your success and happiness will be my happiness. Thank you for letting me into your lives and try to change them with a little hope, fun, and some good reads :)

Luzardo brothers: I loved you both very much, my little monkeys. You are part of my most memorable moments in life (skydiving, indoor rock climbing, 1st time seeing Stomp, etc). I really wish I could've adopted you ;) or helped you out more. You're both so smart, please use what you've got to make the most out of life and be happy.

Joshy poshy: my little dj, I love you. So honest and always true to yourself, I hope you get to live out your dream. And find a nice girl to share it with. Thanks for all the good times and good food (one burger anyone?).

Piera: my unofficial little sister. Vous savez que je t'aime. You are super smart, talented, sweet, just awesome in general. Thank you for having been in my life, and for all your help when I was your teacher.

Armando Vazquez: stop being emo!!! ;) ok, you know I love you, I'm sorry we never made our short. You know I believe in you 100%, and you're always making me proud and impressing me. Keep up our blog, and smile (you've got those cute little dimples), you're gonna be whatever you want to be (seriously, I'm not just saying that!).

Brandon Agosto: my little ska & theater buddy! Aww Brandon, you rock, I really hope you get into Columbia or NYU, I know you'll love it. Thank you for always caring and keeping me in your life way past our DA days.

Uriel Eduardo: ay mi amor, ya sabes cuanto te quise. You're too nice and giving. Por favor deja de fumar y beber tanto. And if I do die tonight I'm sorry I didn't make it to your fabulous 21and keep my getting crazy promise. But hey, we did get tipsy that one time off of blue islands ;) Ty for being my model, my friend, my bftgsahlw !! I love you like I loved my baby daddy John legend (b4 I got mad at him lol)!!


To everyone else I didn't get to address individually (Maria Margarita C, Yendi, Erik M, Martin S, Neka D, Zoila R, Becky R, Claudia M, Eric Lefebvre, Gariot L, Danny R, Gus M, other former schoolmates, the Alfaro family,Chilo & odrin, Toto, Ardis G, Katy M, Jen W, Daisy C, Bugsy, Elana, the rest of my drama students, celebs that have changed my life, former co workers and supervisors, & everone in between):

Thank you for being in my life, like I said earlier, my experiences with you is what made me who I am.

If I die tonight, know that I cared that you were in my life.

Good night all.


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